You’ve all seen those little cards littering the shelves of your favorite wine shop or supermarket. “Shelf talkers,” they’re called, pithy blurbs that purport to give you genuine insight into what that wine you’re thinking of buying might actually taste like.
Most of them, sadly, read like they were dreamed up by graduates of the College of Pompous, Pretentious and Dumb-Assed Wine Writing. You know, “The grapes for this wine were kissed by angels and picked by virgins at the precise moment of the autumnal equinox. Flavors of limpid berries, insipid stone fruit and Hermes leather purses marry triumphantly to create a wine that pairs perfectly with lobster, steak, caviar and foie gras.”
Well, if you ever wondered what truly honest shelf talkers had to say, comedian and social gadfly Jeff Wysacki has your back. These are just a couple of the shelf talkers he had printed up and sneaked into his local liquor store. (You can check out a few more at his website: http://www.pleated-jeans.com/2015/03/03/i-added-some-wine-recommendations-to-the-liquor-store-by-my-house/)
For this bottle of pricy French champagne:
“The celebration of finally signing those divorce papers will taste all more sweeter with this savory champage. Pairs nicely with: ‘Congratulations’ sheet cakes and starting over.”
Or for this bottle of inexpensive red wine:
“Bought this for some underage teens in the parking lot and they seemed to like it. Pairs nicely with: Making an easy $10.”
Or for this bottle of Napa Valley Chardonnay:
“Chardonnay? More like ChardonYAYY. I’m drunk at work and IT FEELS GREAT. Anyone wanna wrestle? NO SARAH I WILL NOT STEP INTO YOUR OFFICE. Pairs nicely with: Unemployment.”
Too bad all advertising isn’t this truthful.